The feelings as they trouble me

Nothing could have been given to me so plainly not even air...it was like God was like, "On, that note I'm here..." he's chasing and it makes me upset because how am I suppose to do what I feel? how can you when it feels like this? God is here I know, but there are somethings I'm not cool with. So maybe I'm agnostic cause the fucker exists. I've been raised a christian but I don't see where he's clearly touched down here with us lesser humans. I mean it's a given I see pastors and church people and people who say they're 'all in' but really it's not here. So I guess I'm gonna see it because this is a very opportune chance. I've seen it now so I know it exists, but why aren't there more people who are called christians who act like this? (more clear and accurate info coming later when no one dies on this). Love.